My 19 years of online dating

During years, practically a quarter of my life I have felt so attracted to all sorts of media. everything started when I was 18 years old. No one at home used  the computer like I did. I even used to go to bed so late chatting with strangers.

with 19 years of online dating experience I could tell you that there still so many things to learn about it. There are so many people on these sites that at some point you think you know all type of personalities and techniques that people use to meet others or to get a quick  hook up but suddenly you meet a new person and you realize that you have not learned not even a bit. and a new lesson is learned each time you meet someone on these online dating sites. Then we are crying for someone who from the beginning we knew it would not work but because you have been single for such a long time and your relationships have been short and unsuccessful for the past years that  you still hope that someday you will meet someone who is worth it.

My understanding is that online dating sites were created to meet people on a easier way. I remember that before we had to go out to a bar, buy drinks, dance all night to meet people. Most of the time we used to meet people when we were with  friends and some times drunk. That was the way to meet strangers but now it is so easy to meet people online but at the same time is very difficult. Now a guy doesn't even take the time to walk to the bar and to buy a drink for you but instead he just knock on your door and he arrives with 2 bottles of wine.

I have met all sort of guys.. The one who was just looking for sex.. oh yes  the grand  majority of men lol those who just want to get in your pants without even know your real name.. They  sometimes even called you by your online dating nick name..lol.. Run away from those type of men.   The second type of guys are the ones who just came out of a long relationship. so, the are in complete desperation to meet someone because they are emotionally dependent from others and they think they can't be happy if they are by themselves. Run away from this type of guys too.

One more type of online dating guys are those ones who know exactly how to talk to women. they say the perfect words and they just say what women want to hear. Most of the time these guys are the guys who are just catching desperate women. However, even women who are very confident have fall for men like that (I am one of those).

Then after weeks, months and years of being looking for your prince on those online dating sites you realize that you become a player. yes like u read u become the player but  hoping you will meet  someday  the right person.

After years of   not writing in my blog. I decided to finish this article today. Well guess what? last year in Feb 2017 I decided that I would not look pretty for randoms guys who I have never met in person. In fact I decided to  wear pijamas or very casual clothes in our first date or catch up. I was in my house and I joined Tinder, POF and other sites. Everyone says that these sites are only for hook ups. However, I think there are all sorts of people in all these online dating sites.  I decided to join some sites again. I started to meet with guys but this time I used to asked them to come to my house. I also,  asked them to send me their ID or a screen shot of their License, phone number, Facebook etc because I would not risk inviting  someone who I don't know into my house.

Surprisingly, the men who visited me in my house and who saw me dressed up casual are the ones who started to be very interested in meeting with me more. In fact I met my husband in one of those dates. He came to my unit. I was wearing my pijamas shorts, a singlet, my hair was a mess, not make up. and Boom I am married now. That was the key to be casual, to no care at all. 19 years joining online dating sites since I was 18 and got the message until I was 37.  I want to write the whole story but that will be in my next article. 

That Gut Feeling that we never follow

When I was 20 years old I met a guy on the beach. He seemed like he was a guy with a good heart. I felt that instant attraction towards him but at the same time that feeling of "not sure if I should give it a go",  in the end I ignored that feeling, that so called Gut feeling (internal voice or whatever you want to call it). Time passed and during 1 and half years I realized that this guy loved me a lot but at the same time he was drawing me down with him. I lost 25 kg and after being a family girl I left my family and home to live with him, until one day we were partying with friends in our apartment when I went to the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror and said "what have you been doing all this time Ibari? Do u really want to live in this way?" The party ended and on the followed days I started to feel uncomfortable. Other times I used to have nightmares and I could not sleep properly for months. The last 5 months of being with him I realized that my gut feeling was giving me all sort of signals but I ignored them because I was young. I knew he would not be with me forever but who cared, I was having fun. After 1 year and  a half I decided to leave him. When he left the house, my body started to feel lighter, it was like if I was carrying someone on my back for long time, like when you want to run but you can’t because you are carrying all that weight of someone who doesn't belong to you, someone who is stopping you from continuing with your journey. 

In the following months I was feeling so happy and again living with my parents. I knew I had done the correct thing letting Manuel go from my life. Nine months passed when I met Alex. I liked him from the moment I saw him, we started to date and after 2 years he gave me a ring. I was happy with him until he lost his job and he became lazy. The type of guy who used to wake up at 2pm and say he was looking for a job when in reality he was just chilling at home. Again my gut feeling gave me a signal but I ignored it. I did not want to be with Alex anymore. I knew it was time for the next chapter so we split up and  I moved to Australia. I was very much in love with Alex but I just could not see a future with him.

I arrived to Australia and soon after I met Peter, a man who was extremely educated. We started to date and from the moment I met him  my gut feeling told me he wasn't for me but who cared I was young. I was in Australia and I  didn't  know many people and few Australians. I used to go out with foreigners students like me. Peter started to invite me out, send me flowers, chocolates etc. He conquested me and I fell in love with him. After 1 year of dating he asked me to marry him. So, I married him even knowing my gut feeling was telling me to wait  but you know, sometimes people are like that they already know that it wouldn't  work but we never listen to our Gut feeling. Maybe because we always hope things will get better. After 3 years I was still with Peter and I had nightmares, I was paranoid. I even had a couple of panic attacks without a reason. It was more than clear than my gut feeling was still telling me that he wasn't for me. After 3 years and 8 months, we separated. 

The years passed and over those years I met all sort of people. I wanted to be in a relationship realizing that I was emotional dependent from others so I wanted to have a boyfriend to be happy. It took me years to get where I am now. Now I enjoy my loneliness as much as when I am in the company of other people and I am more emotionally stable. 

Now I'm writing and thinking how come I never listened to my gut feeling? If I had listened to my gut feeling I would have avoided so many bad moments and maybe I would be with the right person now. 

Three months ago I met a guy and everything felt so good. I thought I just found the love of my life. After some time of being together he was amazing towards me but again that gut feeling came and told me he wasn't for me. At first, I did not ignore that gut feeling but I just put it by my side for some weeks just to see why I was getting such a strong feeling about this guy. In the end, I decided to end this relationship and I could not believe that for the first time in years I decided to follow my gut feeling. Now, I am 100% sure that very good things will happen in my life in the coming months. u know why? because now I do whatever my gut feeling tells me.

 

To conclude with this.. Follow your gut feeling. it doesn't matter how strong or small it is.. Going for a second choice is overthinking, go with the first feeling.

 We can avoid so many bad moments if we just pay attention to our gut feeling. We would not be spending our time with the wrong people. This is applied not just to relationships but for everything in our life. A job, a friendship.. Even when you can't find a car park.. Have you thought that maybe you can’t find a car park because you aren't mean to be at that place at that time.. and how come sometimes we find a car park so easy and quick,  well that is because we are meant to be in that place.

Listen to your gut feeling and listen to any random person you meet on the street because the universe sends us messengers all the time but we never pay attention.

Ibari

"This is what the meditation teacher told us" - 10 days of Vipassana meditation experience

“This is what the meditation teacher told us” 

This is what the meditation teacher told me, “you will be another person when you leave this meditation retreat.”  It was my first day so I thought “yeah right” it would be too difficult to change the way I have been all my life” but the meditation teacher was right. I undertook a 10 day meditation retreat that helped me to see myself from inside out.

Everything started 12 months ago when one of my best friends did the Vipassana meditation. He disappeared for 10 days and he came back to the city looking so relaxed.  I asked him “where have you been?” and he told me he was meditating for 10 days. He told me: Ibari u should do the same and my answer was, “no way I can’t spend my holidays in a place where I can’t  talk and where I have to meditate for so long.”

My friend did not insist and the time went by until 2013 when I was at home doing nothing and I decided to send a Facebook  friend request to someone I did not know. I just felt like inviting a guy I saw on the Facebook recommended people list. Then we started to chat and we became friends. One day we met for a coffee and it came up he had done the 10 meditation retreat too. I was like whattt?  You are the second person of my friends who have done this. Well , I want to do it too but I have no time.

After a short time I decided to  apply online so it was the first step.  

I was trying to imagine the meditation retreat but to be honest I did not give it much attention, I just knew I wanted to do something that could help me to release the stress and all the bad feelings that were causing me to feel unhappy.

The time passed quickly and the month of December arrived. I was getting ready to have a date with a guy I met from an online dating website. We took a seat and we started to talk and laugh for hours.  Suddenly he asked me what were my plans for new year’s eve and I told him, “well I will go to a meditation retreat ,he then asked me where abouts?” I said at the coast and he replied I have done that one too.  At that moment I was like whaaaaat? This is a signal from the universe I mean among all the guys who invite me out and who I most of the time reject .. how come i ended up going on a date with one who has done the vispassana meditation retreat too?  This is weird 

I started to realise that this meditation retreat would not be as relaxing as I thought. Not relaxing because I am a person who talks a lot, I am an iPhone addict and I am a very active person. I can’t be in one place for any length of time. Some friends told me   I wouldn’t last  more than 3 days and others suggested no more than 5 days. In fact, I have friends who made bets about me not being able to be in that place without my iPhone and without talking.

The day arrived December 26^th I started to feel nervous, anxious, worried and at some point a bit scared. I was on my way to the vipassana  and asked myself “ what have you done Ibari?” what is the point of doing this? Run away.. but I did not and I arrived at the place wearing a sexy dress and looking good. I felt a good energy and  it was so relaxing to see the kangaroos around. It feels good to be in a place that is in the middle of the forest, not a very big place but big enough  to go for a short walk. A place where you can be at peace with yourself, but then I thought I don’t think I will need to be at peace after not talking for the next 10 days.

10 days without being allowed to talk to anyone or to make eye contact. 10 days without my iPhone, without reading, writing or listening to music. Ten days eating vegetarian food. Breakfast at 6:30am, Lunch at 11am, and an apple at 5pm.

10 days waking up at 4am to take a shower and to meditate from 4:30am to 9pm with the breaks I mentioned above. In total 12 hrs of meditation every day.

The first day I felt ok. I loved the place. It was like being in the middle of the forest sharing my silence with the kangaroos and frogs. I could say I enjoyed the first day.

In my second day I felt I would have a panic attack. It was hard to see people not talking, smiling, or making eye contact and at that moment,  I realised how important is to at least smile. People looked so miserable, angry with life and with themselves. Everyone seemed unhappy. I remember we  having afternoon tea. I was admiring the trees and kangaroos. All the ones who were doing the meditation retreat looked so miserable. One person was seated on the grass and it seemed like she was in  limbo, a few people were seated on the chairs with very sad faces. I was looking around me and I realised I did not want to be there - I wanted to escape. I started to feel so scared, like I was losing my mind because no one was looking into my eyes, no one was even smiling at me. I thought, “ I don’t want to be here I will go to my room.” The day ended and the third day arrived.

We were in the meditation hall and I started to feel like very tired. It was the hottest day on earth - like 42 degrees. I swear I felt I would faint at any moment. Fortunately it  started to rain at night so it cooled down a bit. It was 1:00am when I felt like going to the bathroom. The bathrooms were outside. Suddenly I saw a massive toad and my hand size was small next to that ugly animal. I walked towards the bathroom fast when the toad started to chase me. OMG I swear to god I ran like I was in a race, as fast as I could in the rain. I couldn’t ask for help and I couldn’t scream because we had to be in completely silent. It was such a stressful moment for me not to be able to ask for help. Well I think u could imagine Ibari running like crazy around the place in the rain trying to escape from that animal at midnight.

The fourth day arrived and I was feeling good because I started to learn how to meditate and I was getting into deep meditation times. I felt full of energy and I thought, “well this is not so bad, I feel o.k now. I was feeling o.k until I got the instructions from the meditation audio cd that they used to play to tell us how to meditate... the instructions were that  I could not move my hands, feet and I was not allow to open my eyes while meditating neither. OMG what a pain, my legs were sore , my hands were numb. In fact there were moments in which half of my face felt numb.  It was an indescribable pain.  But I was trying to OBSERVE the sensations. That was a main part of the meditation to observe any sensations it could be a good or bad sensation. We were learning to not react and to just observe and realise that most of the time is just the mind..

The fifth day arrived  it was December 31^st. I was angry and I was planning how to escape from that place all day. I was thinking about my friends being by the pool having a glass of wine and some beers. Champagne etc. I was like, “what am I doing in here? Ibari u should leave this place as soon as u can” I mean what is the point of being in this place so hot, I’m sweating like a pig all the time and my body is sore because I have being sitting for so long meditating grrr L but I can’t escape because these people have my car keys , iphone and all my stuff locked. Impossible to escape plus I have to be strong .. 'don’t be a pussy Ibari .. don’t u say u r very strong so,  stay :(, I said to myself.

The sixth day arrived and I had all the energy to meditate like never before. I just wanted to receive the first day of 2014 getting out all the negativity. I was meditating all the time trying not to move my legs and hands. By 9pm I was so exhausted and I felt so angry and frustrated. I felt I was losing my mind, tired, of everything, everyone, the place, the world, against everything that existed. My body was too sore and it was such a mentally and physical exhaustion. I ended up hitting all my bedroom with my pillow. I hit the bed, the walls , the door everything with my pillow. I was losing my mind but at the end I realised I was just getting out all the negativity that was inside me for years

The seventh day arrived and I was feeling so happy full of energy. I felt full of joy and with very good energy. I meditated all day feeling well feeling liberated of bad feelings and negativity. It was a feeling of eternal happiness. I can’t explain it was just so amazing.

The eight day arrived and I was feeling so unhappy and miserable. I look depressed and in total misery. I feel unhappy because I realised that I’m not happy with real life. I thought : omg I have to go back to Brisbane where I am alone, my mum just left Australia  before coming to this retreat and not sure when I will visit Mexico. I felt unhappy lonely, sad, hollow. I cried while meditating and after meditating, crying in silence for my unhappiness.

The ninth day arrived and I was so exhausted physically and mentally exhausted I just wanted to leave that place I was feeling somewhere between angry and frustrated and then happy and angry, it was a mix of feelings. My body was sore but I realised I could be seated for long time without moving and I could meditate for longer even though I just wanted the day to end. I looked at myself on the mirror and my hair looked disgusting and my face omg. I asked to myself where is the hot confident latina who arrived here 9 days ago? I looked so untidy and to be honest I did not care about the way I looked. For first time in my life I did not care about my appearance.

Day 10^th, omg day 10^th it was the best day. We were in the meditation hall and while leaving the meditation hall I saw a chair, it was outside in the middle of the path. 2 girls were walking in front me and I saw that they looked at the chair and then smiled to each other. I continue walking and I saw a note that says: “beyond this point no more silence” OMG I felt the happiest person on earth and I laughed, crying for long time with my new friend Rachel. A girl I talked with for some minutes on the first day I arrived. We just laughed so hard and I felt relieved. I felt so proud of myself for going through those 10 days of vipassanna meditation.

I left feeling full of joy and happiness. I thought, well did I change? How can I know? And I continue driving and listening to music so I decided to call one of my best friends. And he asked to wait outside his house cos his flatmate doesn’t like me, so I was like whatttt.. How come? What is wrong with that guy? And I started to get a bit stressed and in the next second I thought “ I don’t need to lose my energy talking about this guy“ so I told my friend o.k o.k I wait for u outside I don’t want to talk about that guy and my friend was like wouooooooooooooooooooooo this is the first time u are like this most of the time u fight back and swear and offend people and this time u just don’t want to talk about my flatmate? That is great ..

At that moment I realised I changed for good.  I changed the way I am.. that impulsivity  and anger that was making me so unhappy. And from there I could give many other examples of my behaviour.. like the “friend” who started to judg me and started to tell me how to behave and the things I do bad and about my personality.. I was there seated listening to him until I decided to leave his place. I did not fight back, I did not offend him, I just left and decided he is not my friend and I just stopped talking to him. If he had told me what he told me before the meditation retreat I’m sure I had destroyed him with my words. But I did not. I just left and I just deleted him from my life.

This is what I experienced. The Vipassana has changed the way I see things and the teacher was right I feel different, I am working to improve my life and I feel like a new person.

Sometimes people know the way to be happy but they just don’t want to try or to do anything to change the way they live. Everyone is responsible for their own lives.

BTW my friend did not pay me the Bet... I’m sure that if I had left the meditation retreat before the 10 days she would have asked me for the money. Well, I do what I promise but not everyone is like that. Plus I could say she is one of my best friends :) love her still lol

http://www.dhamma.org.au/ 

By Ibari Hellmer

^{January 2013}.