“This is what the meditation teacher told us”
This is what the meditation
teacher told me, “you will be another person when you leave this meditation
retreat.” It was my first day so I
thought “yeah right” it would be too difficult to change the way I have been
all my life” but the meditation teacher was right. I undertook a 10 day
meditation retreat that helped me to see myself from inside out.
Everything started 12 months ago
when one of my best friends did the Vipassana meditation. He disappeared for 10
days and he came back to the city looking so relaxed. I asked him “where
have you been?” and he told me he was meditating for 10 days. He told me: Ibari
u should do the same and my answer was, “no way I can’t spend my holidays in a
place where I can’t talk and where I have to meditate for so long.”
My friend did not insist and the
time went by until 2013 when I was at home doing nothing and I decided to send
a Facebook friend request to someone I did not know. I just felt like inviting
a guy I saw on the Facebook recommended people list. Then we started to chat
and we became friends. One day we met for a coffee and it came up he had done
the 10 meditation retreat too. I was like whattt? You are the second
person of my friends who have done this. Well , I want to do it too but I have
no time.
After a short time I decided to
apply online so it was the first step.
I was trying to imagine the
meditation retreat but to be honest I did not give it much attention, I just
knew I wanted to do something that could help me to release the stress and all
the bad feelings that were causing me to feel unhappy.
The time passed quickly and the
month of December arrived. I was getting ready to have a date with a guy I met from
an online dating website. We took a seat and we started to talk and laugh for
hours. Suddenly he asked me what were my plans for new year’s eve and I
told him, “well I will go to a meditation retreat ,he then asked me where abouts?”
I said at the coast and he replied I have done that one too. At that moment I was like whaaaaat? This is a
signal from the universe I mean among all the guys who invite me out and who I
most of the time reject .. how come i ended up going on a date with one who has
done the vispassana meditation retreat too? This is weird
I started to realise that this
meditation retreat would not be as relaxing as I thought. Not relaxing because
I am a person who talks a lot, I am an iPhone addict and I am a very active
person. I can’t be in one place for any length of time. Some friends told me I wouldn’t last more than 3 days
and others suggested no more than 5 days. In fact, I have friends who made bets
about me not being able to be in that place without my iPhone and without
talking.
The day arrived December 26th
I started to feel nervous, anxious, worried and at some point a bit scared. I
was on my way to the vipassana and asked myself “ what have you done
Ibari?” what is the point of doing this? Run away.. but I did not and I arrived
at the place wearing a sexy dress and looking good. I felt a good energy
and it was so relaxing to see the kangaroos around. It feels good to be
in a place that is in the middle of the forest, not a very big place but big enough
to go for a short walk. A place
where you can be at peace with yourself, but then I thought I don’t think I
will need to be at peace after not talking for the next 10 days.
10 days without being allowed to
talk to anyone or to make eye contact. 10 days without my iPhone, without
reading, writing or listening to music. Ten days eating vegetarian food.
Breakfast at 6:30am, Lunch at 11am, and an apple at 5pm.
10 days waking up at 4am to take
a shower and to meditate from 4:30am to 9pm with the breaks I mentioned above.
In total 12 hrs of meditation every day.
The first day I felt ok. I loved
the place. It was like being in the middle of the forest sharing my silence
with the kangaroos and frogs. I could say I enjoyed the first day.
In my second day I felt I would
have a panic attack. It was hard to see people not talking, smiling, or making eye contact and at that moment, I realised how important is to at least smile.
People looked so miserable, angry with life and with themselves. Everyone
seemed unhappy. I remember we having
afternoon tea. I was admiring the trees and kangaroos. All the ones who were
doing the meditation retreat looked so miserable. One person was seated on
the grass and it seemed like she was in limbo, a few people were seated on the chairs
with very sad faces. I was looking around me and I realised I did not want to
be there - I wanted to escape. I started to feel so scared, like I was losing
my mind because no one was looking into my eyes, no one was even smiling at me.
I thought, “ I don’t want to be here I will go to my room.” The day ended and
the third day arrived.
We were in the meditation hall
and I started to feel like very tired. It was the hottest day on earth - like
42 degrees. I swear I felt I would faint at any moment. Fortunately it started to rain at night so it cooled down a
bit. It was 1:00am when I felt like going to the bathroom. The bathrooms were
outside. Suddenly I saw a massive toad and my hand size was small next to that
ugly animal. I walked towards the bathroom fast when the toad started to chase
me. OMG I swear to god I ran like I was in a race, as fast as I could in the
rain. I couldn’t ask for help and I couldn’t scream because we had to be in
completely silent. It was such a stressful moment for me not to be able to ask
for help. Well I think u could imagine Ibari running like crazy around the
place in the rain trying to escape from that animal at midnight.
The fourth day arrived and I was
feeling good because I started to learn how to meditate and I was getting into
deep meditation times. I felt full of energy and I thought, “well this is not
so bad, I feel o.k now. I was feeling o.k until I got the instructions from the
meditation audio cd that they used to play to tell us how to meditate... the
instructions were that I could not move
my hands, feet and I was not allow to open my eyes while meditating neither.
OMG what a pain, my legs were sore , my hands were numb. In fact there were
moments in which half of my face felt numb. It was an indescribable pain. But I was trying to OBSERVE the sensations.
That was a main part of the meditation to observe any sensations it could be a
good or bad sensation. We were learning to not react and to just observe and
realise that most of the time is just the mind..
The fifth day arrived it was December 31st. I was angry and I was planning how to escape from that place all day. I was thinking about my friends being by the pool having a glass of wine and some beers. Champagne etc. I was like, “what am I doing in here? Ibari u should leave this place as soon as u can” I mean what is the point of being in this place so hot, I’m sweating like a pig all the time and my body is sore because I have being sitting for so long meditating grrr L but I can’t escape because these people have my car keys , iphone and all my stuff locked. Impossible to escape plus I have to be strong .. 'don’t be a pussy Ibari .. don’t u say u r very strong so, stay :(, I said to myself.
The sixth day arrived and I had all the energy to meditate like never before. I just wanted to receive the first
day of 2014 getting out all the negativity. I was meditating all the time
trying not to move my legs and hands. By 9pm I was so exhausted and I felt so
angry and frustrated. I felt I was losing my mind, tired, of
everything, everyone, the place, the world, against everything that existed. My
body was too sore and it was such a mentally and physical exhaustion.
I ended up hitting all my bedroom with my pillow. I hit the bed, the
walls , the door everything with my pillow. I was losing my mind but at
the end I realised I was just getting out all the negativity that was
inside me for years
The seventh day arrived and I was
feeling so happy full of energy. I felt full of joy and with very good energy.
I meditated all day feeling well feeling liberated of bad feelings and
negativity. It was a feeling of eternal happiness. I can’t explain it was just
so amazing.
The eight day arrived and I was
feeling so unhappy and miserable. I look depressed and in total misery. I feel
unhappy because I realised that I’m not happy with real life. I thought : omg I
have to go back to Brisbane where I am alone, my mum just left Australia before coming to this retreat and not sure
when I will visit Mexico. I felt unhappy lonely, sad, hollow. I cried while
meditating and after meditating, crying in silence for my unhappiness.
The ninth day arrived and I was
so exhausted physically and mentally exhausted I just wanted to leave that
place I was feeling somewhere between angry and frustrated and then happy and
angry, it was a mix of feelings. My body was sore but I realised I could be
seated for long time without moving and I could meditate for longer even though
I just wanted the day to end. I looked at myself on the mirror and my hair looked
disgusting and my face omg. I asked to myself where is the hot confident latina
who arrived here 9 days ago? I looked so untidy and to be honest I did not care
about the way I looked. For first time in my life I did not care about my
appearance.
Day 10th, omg day 10th
it was the best day. We were in the meditation hall and while leaving the
meditation hall I saw a chair, it was outside in the middle of the path. 2
girls were walking in front me and I saw that they looked at the chair and then
smiled to each other. I continue walking and I saw a note that says: “beyond
this point no more silence” OMG I felt the happiest person on earth and I
laughed, crying for long time with my new friend Rachel. A girl I talked with for
some minutes on the first day I arrived. We just laughed so hard and I felt
relieved. I felt so proud of myself for going through those 10 days of vipassanna
meditation.
I left feeling full of joy and
happiness. I thought, well did I change? How can I know? And I continue driving
and listening to music so I decided to call one of my best friends. And he
asked to wait outside his house cos his flatmate doesn’t like me, so I was like
whatttt.. How come? What is wrong with that guy? And I started to get a bit
stressed and in the next second I thought “ I don’t need to lose my energy
talking about this guy“ so I told my friend o.k o.k I wait for u outside I
don’t want to talk about that guy and my friend was like
wouooooooooooooooooooooo this is the first time u are like this most of the
time u fight back and swear and offend people and this time u just don’t want
to talk about my flatmate? That is great ..
At that moment I realised I
changed for good. I changed the way I
am.. that impulsivity and anger that was
making me so unhappy. And from there I could give many other examples of my
behaviour.. like the “friend” who started to judg me and started to tell me
how to behave and the things I do bad and about my personality.. I was there
seated listening to him until I decided to leave his place. I did not fight
back, I did not offend him, I just left and decided he is not my friend and I
just stopped talking to him. If he had told me what he told me before the
meditation retreat I’m sure I had destroyed him with my words. But I did not. I
just left and I just deleted him from my life.
This is what I experienced. The
Vipassana has changed the way I see things and the teacher was right I feel
different, I am working to improve my life and I feel like a new person.
Sometimes people know the way to
be happy but they just don’t want to try or to do anything to change the way
they live. Everyone is responsible for their own lives.
BTW my friend did not pay me the
Bet... I’m sure that if I had left the meditation retreat before the 10 days
she would have asked me for the money. Well, I do what I promise but not
everyone is like that. Plus I could say she is one of my best friends :)
love her still lol
By Ibari Hellmer
January 2013.
